I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
