do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
