I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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