alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
