she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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