Got a toothbrush?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
