2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
