pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
