Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
