Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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