I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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