You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
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I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
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That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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