He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He passed out mid-signature
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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