I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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