I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
