Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
