I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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