After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
