Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
