Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
