i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
