i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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