see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Randomize
