Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
