Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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