there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
