She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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