I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
