i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
