Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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