Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
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I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
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I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor