What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...