Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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