Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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