TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just pee around me
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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