Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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