i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
