my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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