So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
