Whatcha textin bout Willis?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
