apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
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So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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