I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
