I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Randomize
