Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
