hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
