I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
