I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
