I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
