Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
