Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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