i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
