i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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