Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
