Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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