I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
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I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
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Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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