Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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