I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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