i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?