I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
it's like iHOP with fire
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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