I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
