Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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